존댓말 vs 반말 — and why Koreans ask your age in the first five minutes
A Korean person you just met asks how old you are. In most countries that is nosy. In Korean, it is a grammar question.
Korean makes you choose
English lets you avoid the decision. "Did you eat?" works for your best friend and for your boss.
Korean does not give you that option. Every sentence ending forces a choice:
- 밥 먹었어요? — 존댓말, polite
- 밥 먹었어? — 반말, casual
Same question, different social contract. There is no neutral version. So before someone can finish a single sentence with you, they need to know which one applies — and in Korean, age is the main input to that decision.
That is why the age question comes so early. It is not curiosity. It is someone trying to figure out how to talk to you at all.
The three levels you actually need
Korean textbooks list many speech levels. In daily life you need three:
1. 반말 (casual) — close friends, people clearly younger, family members you are close to.
뭐 해? / 밥 먹었어? / 잘 자
2. 해요체 (polite) — the workhorse. Strangers, classmates, colleagues, anyone you have just met. This is where you should live as a learner.
뭐 해요? / 밥 먹었어요? / 잘 자요
3. 하십시오체 (formal) — announcements, customer service, presentations, and speaking to someone significantly senior.
무엇을 도와드릴까요? / 안녕히 계십시오
If you only master 해요체, you will be fine in almost every situation a visitor or new resident encounters. Being slightly too polite is invisible. Being accidentally casual is not.
"말 놓을까요?" — the moment it changes
At some point someone may ask: 말 놓을까요? — literally "shall we put the language down?" It means: shall we drop the formalities and switch to 반말?
This is a real social milestone, and it is usually proposed by the older person. Two things to know:
- Wait to be offered. Switching to 반말 unilaterally, especially with someone older, reads as rude.
- You can say yes without switching immediately. Habits take a few conversations to change, and nobody expects you to flip instantly.
The reverse also exists: people re-formalize when a relationship becomes professional again. It is not a rejection.
Age is not the only variable
Age dominates in casual settings, but it is not the whole system. Rank at work overrides it — a younger team lead is still addressed with 존댓말 by an older junior in many companies. Distance matters too: two 40-year-old strangers use 존댓말 with each other indefinitely.
The practical rule for a learner: use 해요체 with everyone until someone tells you otherwise.
How to answer the age question
Korean traditionally counted age differently from most countries, so this used to be a source of confusion. Since the legal shift to international age counting, the simplest honest answer works:
저는 스물일곱 살이에요. — I'm 27.
2000년생이에요. — I was born in 2000.
The second one is very common and often easier, because Koreans will do the mental math themselves and slot you into the right place instantly.
Where this shows up in a lesson
Our Episode 1 is a first meeting in a café, and this exchange happens in the first three minutes — introductions, the age question, and ordering something to drink. It sounds trivial written down. It is much less trivial when someone is waiting for your answer out loud.
Next: how to order that coffee without freezing at the counter.